Depression comes in and recedes back like the tide, obstructing every thought, feeling, and opinion like a heavy fog.
Depression is ridiculing myself for not being grateful for what I do have and not taking advantage of all the opportunities at my feet, for how ridiculous it looks for someone who has so much in life to be so self-centered, ungrateful, lazy, and disenchanted.
Depression is pouring a packet of instant oatmeal into my mouth uncooked because I don’t feel good enough or worthy enough to prepare myself a proper meal.
Depression is obsessively coming through Internet articles, self help, and how-to guides written by motivational gurus just to learn how to get myself out of bed in the mornings.
Depression is hair matted beyond repair, hidden in a ponytail, and left unwashed for six weeks because I feel unworthy of taking a shower.
Depression is slowly letting chaos creep into my domicile until it’s unbearable and clutter has filled my home completely– trash not taken out, empty bottles, cans, jars, boxes lying everywhere, rotten food, fruit fly infestations, all to the point where it seems nothing will help, because subconsciously I want my outside environment to match how I feel inside.
Depression is a barrage of unwavering insults thrown at me by my own brain, relentlessly chipping away at my self worth and using every insecurity against me.
Depression is painstakingly preparing for an action plan to have ready when it hits next, but when those feelings return, instead feeling paralyzed and unable to fight back.
Depression is letting the litter boxes go untouched for weeks and then buying new ones instead of cleaning out the old ones because the s*** has piled and is overflowing, and feel it’s gotten out of control to the point it’s beyond fixing, and any corrective attempts to clean up will be useless.
Depression is sleeping for 20 hours straight yet still waking up completely exhausted.
Depression is knowing exactly what healthy to behaviors to engage in, but having an overwhelming sense of fear, anger, and self doubt keep you sick instead of reaching out to others.
Depression is an erosive force that whittles away my most prized qualities of accountability and integrity bit by bit until I’ve shut myself off from everyone I love and everything I used to love to do.
Depression is recognizing simple steps to take care of yourself, then feeling like a hypocrite because hours are dedicated instead to engaging in avoidant behaviours and obsessive habits.
Depression is fuelled by self talk words such as lazy, worthless, scum, hypocrite, piece of s***, fat, useless, slob, fraud, trashy, and disgusting.
Depression is checking the clock then wondering where the past 8 hours went after just sitting alone in bed the entire time.
Depression is making and breaking endless promises to myself to do better and to treat myself better, then hating myself for not being able to keep them.